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My Sincere  Apology

I’d like to sincerely apologize for my recent statement in what may or may not potentially and/or conditionally be construed or, most likely, misconstrued, within reasonable limitations, as somewhat lacking in human sensibility or perhaps, given agreed upon definitions, “insensitive.”  

This highly sincere apology is made even more sincere in that any misunderstanding on your part is not my fault plus the statement I may or may not have made was taken entirely out of context but, to the best of my recollection, I can’t seem to remember what the context actually was.  

That is to say, to the best of my recollection, I do not recall.

But let me be clear to the American people on this important point:  There WAS a context.  I’m almost certain of it.  Identifying this context is my top priority.  And, yet, this hostile, disingenuous, radical, so-called news media will not disclose this reputed context and, instead, are promoting their. Right-wing-and-or-left-wing agenda. Be it right or be it left, my fellow Americans, the key is a wing is definitely involved.

However,  I’m willing to boldly step up and take provisional responsibility with this extraordinarily sincere apology for any theoretical harm my statement could have conceivably been misheard by those who possess a high level of cognitive insufficiency. 

This apology, this sincere apology, is made even more sincere as this alleged statement was entirely, completely and totally due to the Percocet addiction caused by media-bias as well as terminal irritable bowel syndrome due to workplace stress and severe childhood trauma when Mom was 15 minutes late picking me up from my equestrian lesson one day about which litigation is pending.  

This really, very sincere apology is my first step to recovery along with my everlasting, unquestioned, exemplary and magnificent faith I have in my Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ, who is my top priority and who has forgiven me even though many have chosen to incorrectly understand my above referenced statement which means I really didn’t need to be forgiven in the first place. 

Now that I’ve overcome these dark and troubled times, I will make it my top priority to move on. The American people have spoken by their silence that it is time to end this witch hunt over some illusionary, relatively non-heinous and non-contextual expression as I proudly defend all our First Amendment rights because protecting the Constitution is my top priority.

But, let me be very clear. No one is sorrier than I am in that valuable time has been spent on this witch hunt even after my previous statement wherein I clearly stated, “As I was given to understand, a rigorous internal investigation by this office has been conducted and there seems to be the outward appearance of a latent, contingent probableness that, perhaps, pending a full audit and subject to modified situational conditions as outlined in my previous statement, within this office and/or third party contractors, it may cause some to conclude that somewhere, within this very large office, mistakes were made. Maybe.”

Getting to the bottom of this situation is my top priority.

And, yet, I am taking a stand and am offering this heroically sincere apology which, of course, absolves me of any misperceived transgressions over my 20 years of public service in as much as her library card said she was 21.

On a personal note, this witch hunt has taken a terrible toll on my all-American family who are my top priority including my all-American-family-value-oriented wife, who, I’ve been advised, is most likely living in Paris at the moment.  But, no one has suffered more than my all-American son who is an altar boy with excellent personal hygiene habits and my all-American daughter who loves ponies and is, based on her recent testimony, a virgin.

And, I remain resolute in my love for this country and my commitment to defense of our sacred institutions which is my top priority while my critics continue their mission to destroy this great democracy by accusing me of saying things I may or may not have said pending this office’s internal review of processes and procedures in this office. 

Besides, I thought this was America!!! What ever happened to, “innocent until proven guilty”?  Isn’t this America? I thought we were in America.  What happened to America?  The real USA of America. Where Amber waved her grain and we could proudly sing, “This is the home of the land and the land of the bombs bursting in air.”   

My critics, most of whom are adulterers, refuse to take on the tough issues of our times such as the fact that the shortage of 256GB iPhone 12s in blue is an escalating national crisis .  Because, instead of helping this office do the work of defending the American people, they are burning the American flag in our churches during services.

I have proof of this and will make it my top priority to share it at the appropriate time based on poll results.

Further, there have been reports of my critics being fully funded by Russian Muslims and telling children in Sunday Schools they are no longer allowed to believe in the time-honored institutions in that made this great country the envy of the rest of the world such as Punxsutawney Phil, the Great Pumpkin, Ken and Barbie, and the Electoral College.

Well, I’m on tentative record saying children are my top priority and they deserve to be protected from this witch hunt conducted by my critics who, we’re given to understand, are financing their witch hunt by selling child pornography to ISIS.

I have suffered enough by apologizing with extreme sincerity and utmost integrity for previously retracted statements I did not make because my political future should not be negatively effected by statements I made especially if I did not make them.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go pray.

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