Critical Update from the CDC


Dear American People, 

We, we at the CDC, have been providing you daily updates so you can have all the necessary data to make informed decisions for you and your family concerning the Corona Virus. 

Now, we’re quite aware you don’t read these updates and that you are fully dependent on getting your news from two sources:

  1. Three year olds on Facebook where total ignorance of subject matter is considered a resume item. 
  2. Idiot talk show hosts who give you medical advice even though they failed 8th grade biology….after four tries.

We understand that. You’re Americans. And, really, it’s fine. All good. I mean, God bless. We have no doubt Whoopi Goldstien, Kelly Clarksburg, your anonymous Facebook friends and Chance The Rapper all have their medical degrees and are fully qualified to inflict medical advice on anyone who will listen.

But, we need to provide you critical updates.

Updates about death. 

Specifically, yours. 

You could die after getting the Johnson and Johnson vaccine.  It’s true. Trust us. You could waddle on out to I95 and get run over after getting the shot because that’s what you people do. You are too busy starting at your phone to notice you’re walking across an interstate where cars are going 85 miles per hour. 

The upside to you kicking the bucket is your family will get an attorney to sue Johnson and Johnson claiming the reason you walked in front of a truck in the middle of I95 and got your ugly ass run over is because you suffered from Post Traumatic Shot Disorder which caused you to act more stupid than usual. 

You being dead is actually not that bad because the truth is you’re much more valuable, in most cases, dead. Believe us on that one.  As long as you’re alive, you’re of no value. We, at the CDC, have already verified this. We have thoroughly reviewed your medical records, work history, personal references and social contributions. It’s true. No one on this entire planet has benefited from you being here. We, at the CDC, have completed a full investigation and came to the same conclusion your family and coworkers came to years ago: you bring absolutely nothing good to the table. In fact, given your narcissism, stupidity, wastefulness, immorality, inflated ego and horrendous personal hygiene, you’re just making things worse. 

Once the curtain has run down and you’re officially dead, you’ll finally bring some value to your family on accounta the lawsuit. 

You see, the CDC believes in openness and transparency. We tell the truth. We understand you’ve lived your entire life with  parents/teachers/clergy/politicians/media/advertisers/talk-show-hosts all telling you how special and important and valuable you are. 

The problem is all these people told you this because they wanted something from you. 

We don’t. 

The numbers are the numbers. There’s no delicate way of putting this. Society will improve once you’re no longer in it. Plus, your family will get rich because Johnson and Johnson will lose the lawsuit for the obvious reason, as our studies at the CDC have clearly indicated, your family’s sleaze-bag attorney will find 12 morons to be on the jury. 

But, that’s not what we wanted to discuss so forgive us that little digression.

We, at the CDC, just wanted to get that off our chests. 

Anyway, we have fielded many inquiries about the 4 people who died from blood clots after getting the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. That’s the 4 out of the 7,200,000 people who got the shot. We realize all the newscasters had to put on their frowny-faces to describe these 4 deaths as “a crisis of epic proportion” because if they said “no biggie….probably just a coincidence” then you’d get bored and switch back to whatever TV shows you usually watch which, as our studies here at the CDC have repeatedly confirmed, are one of the following:

  1. “C-List Celebrities Eat Bugs for Money”
  2. “Vaginal Discharge of the Rich and Famous”
  3. “Hot-Tub Trailer-Park Butt Sex Starring Roseanne Barr and Charles Manson”
  4. “The 24/7 Panda Cam Starring Those Loveable Pandas Sump-Pump and Yung-Dung plus 80 National Zoo Employees Trying to Force Them to Have Sex”

Anyway, let’s do the math on this one, kids. Well, we will do the math because we, at the CDC, understand you don’t know how to do math.  Even with the calculator on your phone, you still don’t know how to do math so it’s a good thing we’re here. 

You have a 1 out of 1,800,000 chance of dying from a blood clot as a potential effect of the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. In terms of percentages, the likelihood of you dying due to the vaccine is 0.00006%. This also means you have a 99.99994% chance of NOT dying from the vaccine. 

Of course, we don’t actually know if the vaccine actually caused the blood clots. That’s because, in the US, an average of 200,000 people die from blood clots each year. 

The risk of you dying from a blood clot this year is around .06%.

So, higher mathematics (.0006/.0000005), you are ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED times more likely to die from a blood clot that you came by honestly then die from the possible blood clot that may have been caused by the vaccine.

But, that hasn’t stopped half of you people from refusing to get the vaccine because you think it’s too life threatening which is a puzzle for us at the CDC because 500,000 upstanding, family-value-oriented Americans died from covid in 12 months. 

Well, your crisis is our crisis. You’re panicking about this vaccine and we’re here to support you because your irrational fear keeps the CDC funded.

So, all Americans must be aware of the following dangers which are all more likely to kill you when compared to the vaccine (statistics courtesy of For your convenience, we’ll put in the number of times you’re more likely to die from each item below vs. the chance of getting a blood clot as a possible result of the Johnson and Johnson vaccine: 

  1. Stuck by lightning (17 times more likely to die from a lightning strike than die from a blood clot due to the possible side-effects of the vaccine)
  2. Falling down the stairs (3 times)
  3. Getting sun burnt enough to get skin cancer (900 times)
  4. Pogo Stick accident (2 times)
  5. Dog attack (20 times)
  6. Bee sting (50 times)
  7. Gun shot (125 times)
  8. Drug OD (250 times)
  9. Bicycle accident (10 times)
  10. Slipping in the shower (2 times)
  11. Drowning in the bathtub (3 times)
  12. Car accident (22,000 times)
  13. Sexually transmitted disease (10 times)
  14. Walking across the street (60 times)
  15. Workplace “incident” (75 times)
  16. Food poisoning (2 times)

In summary, don’t drive, don’t ride a bike, don’t fly, don’t eat, don’t drink, don’t go outside (except when you’re running from lightning), don’t take the stairs, don’t have a dog, don’t go near people, don’t take any medication, don’t take a shower, don’t have sex and don’t go close to Pogo Sticks. Just one of those activities is much more likely to kill you than getting a covid shot ever will. 

Wear plenty of sunscreen, bug repellant, snake repellant,  bear repellant and human repellant. For human repellant, we, at the CDC, recommend applying plenty of Aqua-Velva aftershave and wearing an anchovy necklace. 

The alternative is living normally and enjoying the fact that you’re alive for another day. 

That’s what we, at the CDC, do. 

Otherwise, the stress will kill you. 

But, we, at the CDC, will remain in panic mode because of the simple fact that you’re 75 times more likely to die from the vaccine than win the mega-millions lottery.*

It’s true. We checked. 

Oh,  yeah, while we’re at it, don’t forget we, at the CDC, believe children are our future. Not that this should surprise anyone since children tend to be younger than their parents (except in West Virginia). I mean, you parents out there are gonna be dead and your lovely kids will still be lingering around doing God knows what. Well, that’s been the going assumption around the office, at least. 

Sooooooo, as a reminder,  the CDC has mandated that all parents must obsess, to the point of complete psychosis, over the safety of their tax deductible children. So, all children, until the age of 25, must wear the following prior to any activity: ear plugs, nose clip, mouth guard, fly swatter, arm pads, mobile phone, hand pads, helmet with multiple floodlights attached, knee pads, hip pads, 9 bottles of water, flack jacket, antenna sticking out of the helmet, sneeze shield, 37 layers of sun screen, shin guards, embedded microchip, elbow pads, dog tags, hip pads, panic button, bulletproof vest, goggles, shoulder pads, butt plug, golf umbrella, thigh pads, GPS tracking device, chastity belt, asbestos suit, 6 cans of mace, steel-toed shoes, a note from his or her doctor saying he or she is permanently disabled due to “bad-bad chafing” on his or her inner-thighs, oxygen-tank, back-up mobile phone, ankle braces, flea collar, plus a chaperone and another chaperone for the chaperone.

These measures must be adhered to for ALL activities. Doesn’t matter what. It could be to see his or her sister in the next room. If the child wants to go to the bathroom then the child must wear all of this crap.

And, don’t forget the chaperone.

And, the chaperone for the chaperone.

We’re glad to see pretty much all parents are adhering to these guidelines.

Keep up the good work. 



* You’re not gonna win the lottery. It’s not happening. We don’t care how lucky you think the numbers are because there ain’t no such things as lucky numbers on accounta it doesn’t work that way. And, praying to God you’ll win the lottery isn’t going to help. Stop that. God doesn’t work that way. Cut it out. 

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